What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 06:08
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Would this be the day?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was very sick at this time too.
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This is soul school!.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We were not on the streets..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
(And it was in our own minds.)
We all went to grammer schools
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I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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But ive been too sick for many years..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
All the time i was locked up.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She wouldn,t have been !
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
When she asked me how she looked .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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He was dying to do it , i knew.
What did i know ?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Im still living with it.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My family never makes their pension either.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was seconnd youngest,
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My life is so biszare .
I said to her
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She loved him until the end.
He knew the spot.
I don,t even have a pension.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But, we were locked up after school.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
It was going to be , some day.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Comes on , in middle age.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was 9 years of age.
One cannot live in the past .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
So whats the point in blame.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Ive learnt so much.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I have no regrets .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
So, i spoilt her more .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Put me off passion for life!!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I never cut or harmed myself..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As i do to all so called friends.?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But it wasn’t much.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I think the readers, may guess!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Was to survive, this bastard.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I write beautiful poetry .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She married twice! .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I waited trembling.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She found it foreign!.
She was in good health!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I will be 64.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was scared of men, in general
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And i lived it daily.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Who then, do I blame.?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .